


Not Even Words

by SLWalker



Series: Arch to the Sky [79]
Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-22
Updated: 2011-10-22
Packaged: 2017-10-24 20:51:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SLWalker/pseuds/SLWalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>October 1998: Renfield, Ray and the nature of intercourse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Issue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [exbex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbex/gifts).



> These two tales were written for a charity ficathon; both were requested by exbex, who has been an amazing cheerleader for this arc. Someday, I would like to expand upon them, flesh them out (so to speak) and overcome my own shy with writing explicit material. As they stand, they're in something of a rough format, so please allow me to ask forgiveness. Thanks.

The truth was, the idea of penetrative intercourse had never been something he was intrigued with. Some of that was due to the fact that there were societal politics involved; how it was viewed carried implications that Renfield, frankly, found deeply disturbing. The idea of being cast into any particular role because of a sexual position during what was supposed to be an intimate, loving act made him want to shower compulsively.

The issue now was... well, _Ray_. Ray, with his beautiful hands and fluid grace; Ray, with his surprising amount of innocence about 'what gay guys are supposed to do'; Ray, who treated Renfield as though he were sacred and precious, who never applied any of those roles.

The issue was Ray. Renfield wanted to get as close to that man as humanly possible. He did not particularly _care_ what society thought. Society could, quite bluntly, go to hell.

Still, that didn't make bringing up the subject easier. Every time he tried to think of it, his face burned. It was really quite disconcerting. Especially -- _especially_ \-- as he'd begun considering it while they were _together_.

"Okay, why the stop-sign look?" Ray asked, bemused. His hand was warm against Renfield's back, shifting from absent meandering strokes to soothing pets.

"Ah... well," Renfield replied, gesturing against Ray's back. "It's... it's really nothing, Ray, just... just..." He was going to _die_.

"Not nothin' with that look, Ren."

No, of course not. Renfield scrambled in his mind, foundering helplessly. For some reason, the words, _'Ray, I would like to have intercourse of the penetrative nature with you. Which of us does the penetrating is neither here nor there, I just want it,'_ would not form... oh dear God, he did just think that.

"Ren?" Ray's voice went soft with worry, and he brought his hand up to brush across one cheekbone. "You okay?"

"Yes, Ray. That is... maybe, Ray. Perhaps. Perhaps... yes. No." _I'm going to die._ "I want to have sex with you."

There was a very long, very baffled silence. Renfield had his eyes closed and he could _hear_ Ray's eyebrows. Really. He could hear them wavering in confusion. He wanted to bust up in a manic laugh, and indeed, one escaped him for half a moment until he managed to stuff it down again. He was certain that this bed would combust, and it would _not_ be from intercourse, but from the heat of his face.

Utterly unable to form the words, he moved his hand down and took a firm hold of Ray's backside. Ray squeaked -- actually _squeaked_ \-- in surprise, his hand flailing for a moment into the air before he was digging into Renfield's shoulder with his nails.

"...oh." Ray said, after a long moment. "Uh... _oh._ "

"Yes, Ray." Renfield managed to force his eyes open just long enough to take in Ray's still-baffled, entirely shocked, perhaps _intrigued_ expression.

Then he buried his burning red face in the pillow and laughed himself right into tears.


	2. Not Even Words

Okay. He could do this.

 

...no. He couldn't do this.

Ray used to consider himself a fine enough man to carry condoms around in his wallet, but honest to God, that had been a long time ago. Armando had been a widower; his wife and little girl had died in the car crash that let Ray take his place, and for all of the scummy nature of the man, he was loyal and Ray was able to use grief to explain why Armando wasn't sleeping around in Vegas, and after Vegas, Ray had Stella, and she always picked the condoms, and then...

Okay. Enough panic. He could do this. It wasn't... like gay guys didn't do this all the time, right? And they weren't exactly leaping into it with both eyes shut or anything. 'Cause, uh... well. Fingers. They'd done the fingering thing. And that was a little terrifying, sure, but it felt good when it wasn't terrifying, on both sides of it. Getting it felt weird, yeah, but then there was that thing Ren did and Ray had wanted to bay to the moon. And giving it was nerve-wracking ('cause if he hurt that man, Ray would hang himself from the highest Canadian flagpole), but then...

"Ray?"

Renfield had his Eyebrow of Doom up; that calm, casual look of curiosity. Ray blinked out of his very good memory of a very not calm, very not casual look of bliss and sandy hair and blue eyes and abandon and turned a little red. "Uh... yeah?"

"Are you all right?" Ren asked, both eyebrows drawn now in concern.

"Yeah," Ray said, gesturing hopelessly with one hand.

And then he pulled the box of Trojans out of his pocket and set them on the bed.

"...oh." Renfield turned red. "Ah... ah... yes. Oh." He nodded on that last 'oh' like he'd just delivered a speech, expression going serious and thoughtful.

Ray cleared his throat, and tried to will the blush down. He was thirty-eight years old, for Crissakes. It wasn't like this was his first turn around the sexual block or whatever. It was just the first time... the first time...

"So, uh. You or me?" he asked, and it had to be the dumbest question in the history of dumb questions.

Ren tried to say something for a good thirty seconds before his mouth clicked closed; he sighed a slow breath out through his nose, eyes shut. And then he said, "I would... that is to say, it would be... I would gladly volunteer..." If his face got any redder, Ray thought Ren might faint or explode. "...I mean, it might be safer if I were to... to... be on the... the..."

He took another deep breath, then knotted his jaw for a long moment and said, quite smartly, "Given the fact that I have a foreskin and you do not, I would be entirely willing to volunteer to be on the receiving end, as it's less likely on both of our parts to end in some sort of injury requiring hospital intervention for this initial attempt."

Ray nodded, swallowing. "Now?"

Ren stared back at him for what felt like an eternity, then fell back on the bed, hands over his face, and cracked up. Probably because he managed to say all that, only to get _that_ reply.

It was the first time Ray laughed since he bought that box that afternoon, with his face stuffed into Ren's chest.

 

\--

The first time they tried, they were so nervous that they just ended up curling up together on the bed instead. And the second time. And the third time.

\--

The fourth time they tried, Ray almost drowned because he went down on Ren after burying a finger in him, and Ray crooked his finger up, and Ren came off the bed like someone just applied jumper cables to him, and okay, he was already pretty worked up by then, but still. Holy _God_.

Ray pulled off and coughed, wiped his chin, and laughed, "Geez, warn a guy why don't you?"

Ren stared at him, gaped, and then said, "I-- you-- warn _you?_ Next time, perhaps you should warn _me!_ "

Ray stuffed his face into Ren's hip and laughed until all the anxiety melted away, with a pair of warm hands petting over his head and the sound of his other-half's giggles.

\--

The fifth time, Ray almost had a panic attack before they even got the condom on, scared out of his mind that he was gonna end up hurting Ren by accident; Ren just called it off and held him until he'd calmed back down enough to breathe anything like normal.

\--

The sixth time, the condom broke just after they got it on.

 

 

Ray was kissing as though it were oxygen with his nails digging half-moons into Renfield's back.

Moving, at this given moment, was out of the question. For a number of reasons, including the fact that Ray was clinging to him, and including the fact that if he moved, this would be over far, far sooner than Renfield wanted it to be.

"I thought..." Ray had started, confusion written on his face, as he had stared up from where Renfield had all but tackled him back to the bed and went to work making his intentions quite clear.

"The Howard Brown Health Center is an excellent source for information," Renfield had replied, customarily red, and he didn't doubt for a moment that Ray would understand just how difficult it had been to call them and ask for said information. Quite... quite a bit of information, of a very deeply personal nature. The matter-of-fact nature with which they answered his halting questions had been without shame or derision, and he planned on giving charitably just as soon as he had enough extra money with which to do so.

"You mean you..."

"Yes, Ray." Renfield dragged his hands down Ray's sides, then promptly went to showing Ray just what he had learned.

Now, it was impossible heat and flex; it was the nails that dragged white-hot lines across his back as Ray scrambled; it was hitched breaths and the occasional low moan that made Renfield's hair stand on end. It was drawing out of that kiss and feeling Ray try to chase his mouth for another one, and it was shifting his own hips just to get another mad scramble, unable to stifle his own moan for how it _felt_ to be buried inside of this man's body.

"It's all right," he managed to say, between ragged breaths; Ray's desperation and vulnerability were written in his eyes and across Renfield's upper back and shoulders, and it was a heart-achingly beautiful look; wide open and heated and pleading in a way that Ray couldn't give voice to.

"Yeah," Ray answered, and it was cracked and rough and emotional, before he closed his eyes tight and tried to flex, getting a hand up into Renfield's hair and trying to pull his head down for a kiss. _"Ren..."_

There was no other answer but the one he gave, lip to lip, between kisses -- _I have you_ and _I love you_ and _Ray_ \-- until there was nothing at all between them.

Not even words.


End file.
